Holy Toledo!

It is 1:30 AM and I have just arrived at the Hilton Toledo after an hour drive from the Detroit airport. It would probably be disingeuous for me to imply that I have now "seen" Michigan based on my foray onto and off of its freeway system in the middle of the night, but the billboards did give me a sampling of the state's love for the better things in life, namely strip clubs and hunting. I'm not sure whether Michigan has ever combined these pastimes. If they did it would be called "Bambi Hunting". Get it?

My room has already been given away. To me. "Benson? A man already checked in under your name"
"Okaaaayyy."
"Yeah. You're definitely checked in."
Somehow the tone indicates that this is my fault. I apologize, while envisioning a man strolling around the world living my lifestyle. These fears are quickly calmed as I remember that if you're going to steal someone's identity, you take yourself to France, not Ohio.

Finally, things are sorted out and I have a new room. Double beds. I had reserved a king bed. The man with my identity is no doubt splayed out in his luxurious Hilton Toledo robe on my king bed, looking at pictures of my family. It's 2 AM. I let it go and stumble to the double bed of my choosing.

It's 7:15 and I'm trying to rise and shine, but the ebola virus I picked up down in Florida creates a nervous reaction whereby I clutch my pillow tightly and slap my hand at Eric Clapton via the radio. 8 AM will be fine on this morning.

It's 9 AM and I'm already late, but not to fear--I have a GPS system. It fails to boot. No problem--I have a Sprint wireless card. Oh, no connectivity because I'm in goddamn Toledo. That's alright--I can ask the front desk. Oh, wait, they've apparently never been off the farm and don't know how to operate the complex system that is Googlemaps. I contemplate coming over the front desk and slapping them, but I then remember that I'm a nice guy. Damn. Okay--I'll just call the school and explain to them that Toledo is a technological wasteland, and I thus need directions. They'll understand.